Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
