My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
