Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
