I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
