Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
