having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
