apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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