remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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