I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
