I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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