My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
