My pussy is not your playground.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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