Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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