I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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