I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
