Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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