So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
