He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
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let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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