i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
