i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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