Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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