I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
