omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
