so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
soo... how was my night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
