Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
