so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
