I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
