I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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