The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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