new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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