My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
