I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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