***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
