Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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