Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
