I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
