I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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