the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
