Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
