i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
