i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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