I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
