he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
