flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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