The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
