For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
