my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
