I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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