I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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