He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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