I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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