if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
