Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
