so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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