Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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