People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
