Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
