This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
