My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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