She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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