My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
